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What Lies Beneath
Why We Lash Out

Each one of us has experienced situations where we've found ourselves
lashing out at someone without meaning to. We later berate ourselves
for losing control and feel guilty for treating the other person
badly. And while it is human nature that our emotions and moods will
get the better of us from time to time, we can learn to navigate our
feelings and negotiate difficult situations without losing our center.

Often, when we lash out, it is because we are having a difficult time
containing the emotions that are coming up inside of us. We may be
feeling overwhelmed, afraid, frustrated, stressed out, or angry.
Having these feelings boiling up inside of us can be very
uncomfortable, and it is natural to want to release them. But when we
release our feelings from our body by directing them outward and
toward someone else, they inevitably impact the "innocent bystander"
to whom we are directing this energy. They not only get the brunt of
our anger, frustration, or stress, but also they can actually
experience this energy as a physical force hitting their bodies.

When you find yourself in a situation where you are about to lash out
at the person in front of you, try to center yourself by breathing
slowly and deeply. A few slow inhales and exhales can help dissipate
the intensity of your feelings before they escape you. Later, when you
find yourself in a more reflective state, sit down for a moment;
recall the feelings in your body just before and during your outburst;
note where you feel sensations coming up in your body; and ask
yourself if they are connected to any core issue or experience from
your life. If nothing comes to mind, then revisit the situation again,
exaggerating the details of what happened by indulging in outlandish
"what if" fantasies. Exaggerating events after the fact can help
expose the unconscious subtext behind your heated response.
Understanding the motivation behind your reactions can help you avoid
lashing out again when a similar situation comes up. In learning to
navigate around your emotions, you are gi! ving yourself the tools to
feel better the next time your emotions start to boil. In doing so,
you will be taking care of yourself by alleviating your own
uncomfortable feelings while respecting and protecting those around
you.